All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a
pretty girl.
Brunettes are troublemakers. They're worse than the Jews.
Man as an individual is a genius. But men in the mass
form the headless monster, a great, brutish idiot that goes where prodded.
This is a ruthless world and one must be ruthless to cope
with it.
Dictators free themselves, but they enslave the people.
Simplicity is a difficult thing to achieve.
Humor is the sublime wisdom of pity and tolerance in
which man recognizes the utter futility of his own enterprise and importance.
Doing something with the public in mind is doing
something without your own mind.
I'd sooner be called a successful crook than a destitute
monarch.
Whiskey! Never tasted such beastly stuff in my life! In a
civilized country they drink wine.
Movies are a fad. Audiences really want to see live
actors on a stage.
In this desperate way, I started many a comedy.
I do not have much patience with a thing of beauty that
must be explained to be understood. If it does need additional interpretation
by someone other than the creator, then I question whether it has fulfilled its
purpose.
Imagination means nothing without doing.
In the end, everything is a gag.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down.
I always like walking in the rain, so no one can see me
crying.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our
troubles.
A man's true character comes out when he's drunk.
We think too much and feel too little.
Failure is unimportant. It takes courage to make a fool
of yourself.
Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in
long-shot.
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and
play with it.
You'll find that life is still worthwhile, if you just
smile.
What do you want meaning for? Life is desire, not
meaning.
My pain may be the reason for somebody's laugh.
But my laugh must never be the reason for somebody's
pain.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member.
I remain just one thing, and one thing only, and that is
a clown. It puts me on a far higher place than any politician.
The saddest thing I can imagine is to get used to luxury.
Laughter is the tonic, the relief, the surcease for pain.
I suppose that's one of the ironies of life doing the
wrong thing at the right moment.
All my pictures are built around the idea of
getting in trouble and so giving me the chance to be desperately serious in my
attempt to appear as a normal little gentleman.
There are books of which the backs and covers are by far
the best parts.
Have a heart that never hardens, and a temper that never
tires, and a touch that never hurts.
Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they
are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts.
Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and
has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and
broken, but - I hope - into a better shape.
No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens
of another.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious
as laughter and good humor.
Charity begins at home, and justice begins next door.
To a young heart everything is fun.
My advice is to never do tomorrow what you can do today.
Procrastination is the thief of time.
Although a skillful flatterer is a most delightful
companion if you have him all to yourself, his taste becomes very doubtful when
he takes to complimenting other people.
I do not know the American gentleman, God forgive me for
putting two such words together.
For it is good to be children sometimes, and never better
than at Christmas, when its mighty Founder was a child Himself.
It's my old girl that advises. She has the head. But I
never own to it before her.
It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor
the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.
A man who dares to waste one hour of time has not
discovered the value of life.
The mystery of the beginning of all things is insoluble
by us; and I for one must be content to remain an agnostic.
If I had my life to live over again, I would have made a
rule to read some poetry and listen to some music at least once a week.
The highest possible stage in moral culture is when we
recognise that we ought to control our thoughts.
The fact of evolution is the backbone of biology, and biology
is thus in the peculiar position of being a science founded on an improved
theory, is it then a science or faith?
Even in the worm that crawls in the earth there glows a
divine spark. When you slaughter a creature, you slaughter God.
An American Monkey after getting drunk on Brandy would
never touch it again, and thus is much wiser than most men.
Besides love and sympathy, animals exhibit other
qualities connected with the social instincts which in us would be called
moral.
In the long history of humankind (and animal kind, too)
those who learned to collaborate and improvise most effectively have prevailed.
A scientific man ought to have no wishes, no affections,
- a mere heart of stone.
Man tends to increase at a greater rate than his means of
subsistence.
Be not ashamed of mistakes and thus make them crimes.
It is easy to hate and it is difficult to love. This is
how the whole scheme of things works. All good things are difficult to achieve;
and bad things are very easy to get.
The noble-minded are calm and steady. Little people are
forever fussing and fretting.
The will to win, the desire to succeed, the urge to reach
your full potential... these are the keys that will unlock the door to personal
excellence.
When anger rises, think of the consequences.
He who wished to secure the good of others, has already
secured his own.
He who keeps danger in mind will rest safely in his seat.
It is more shameful to distrust our friends than to be
deceived by them.
You cannot open a book without learning something.
Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a
day in your life.
Silence is a true friend who never betrays.
By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection,
which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by
experience, which is the bitterest.
Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.
Only the wisest and stupidest of men never change.
Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising
every time we fall.
No matter how busy you may think you are, you must find
time for reading, or surrender yourself to self-chosen ignorance.
Life is really simple, but we insist on making it
complicated.
It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do
not stop.
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two
graves.
The funniest people are the saddest once.
What the superior man seeks is in himself; what the small
man seeks is in others.
The man who asks a question is a fool for a minute, the
man who does not ask is a fool for life.
Attack the evil that is within yourself, rather than
attacking the evil that is in others.
The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man
perfected without trials.
When you see a good person, think of becoming like
her/him. When you see someone not so good, reflect on your own weak points.
The hardest thing of all is to find a black cat in a dark
room, especially if there is no cat.
Don’t complain about the snow on your neighbor’s roof
when your own doorstep is unclean.
The beginning of wisdom is to call things by their proper
name.
Every Closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is
not seeing.
A word to the wise ain’t necessary, It’s the stupid ones
who need advice.
In order to succeed, your desire for success should be
greater than your fear of failure.
The past is a ghost, the future a dream and all we ever
have is now.
Parents are not interested in justice, they're interested
in peace and quiet.
You can turn painful situations around through laughter.
If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it.
Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about
marriage: the wife is in charge.
I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children
is the same reason that
Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good
idea at the time.
No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will
eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their
behavior is always normal.
A grandchild is God's reward for raising a child.
Gray hair is Gods graffiti.
In spite of the seven thousand books of expert advice,
the right way to discipline a child is still a mystery to most fathers and...mothers.
Only your grandmother and Genghis Khan know how to do it.
A sail boat that sails backwards can never see the sun
rise.
When you become senile, you won't know it.
All Children Have Brain Damage!
There is hope for the future because God has a sense of
humor and we are funny to God.
If you want to be seen, stand up.
If you want to be heard, speak up.
If you want to be appreciated, shut up.
Is the glass half full, or half empty? It depends on
whether you're pouring, or drinking.
Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I
don't believe the kids should be given homework.
Sigmund Freud once said, "What do women want?"
The only thing I have learned in fifty-two years is that women want men to stop
asking dumb questions like that.
Men and women belong to different species and
communications between them is still in its infancy.
When you introduce competition into the public school
system, most studies show
that schools start to do better when they are competing
for students.
If the new American father feels bewildered and even
defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any
fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.
You know the only people who are always sure about the
proper way to raise children?
Those who've never had any.
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow
their children to come back home.
The worst thing to do is to die while reading LIFE
magazine.
